Turns out there's a lot of misery and anger to go around — but I guess that's what happens when you have to watch a lot of Kirk Cousins football. And here's to the Packers returning the favor to Magary's Vikings — and the rest of the NFL — on the field this season before we inevitably lose the NFC championship game Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St.
Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good. When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport minus cricket or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie.
I wish I were dead inside. I am not. I am eternally vulnerable to emotional pain, and the Vikings are the reason why. Get your licks in down in the comments. This happens every fucking time. I joke about other fans being hilariously defensive, but then my team eats shit and I take ANY slight personally. All you gotta do is tweet the Blair Walsh gif at me and I feel assaulted.
Of course this is where George Floyd was murdered, and of course this is where everyone in Edina reacted to that murder by locking up their flatware when they go to sleep at night. Minnesota is the birthplace of every misplaced American fear.
Minnesota is the original Karen. What might not suck: Irv Smith is gonna be an All Pro this year. You watch. The new analytic in football is guaranteed money, so he won. Far too many of our fans get more joy out of Green Bay losing than us winning. How could I? Every meaningless blowout against the likes of the Falcons and Raiders was met with an equal and opposite display of complete and utter fraudulence. Cousins and Zimmer are the perfect qb and coach for the team with the best winning percentage without a title.
Fuck Mike Morris! Sometimes I wonder if what it would be like if I could see into the future to find out when we are finally going to win it all, but in my heart I know that the only thing waiting for me and every other chump that supports this team is a bleak wasteland of spectacular loss after spectacular loss.
My father has been a fan of the Vikings since their first season, and every time I see him lose his mind on account of them I get a harrowing look in the mirror of me 40 years from now.
I went to college with a lot of Jets and Bills fans and always looked down on them for having such shitty teams. How could they keep doing this to themselves? At least the Vikings are a contender! It never made any sense to me until the end of last season, but I now envy fans of these teams. Their absence of hope sets them free, while I am stuck pushing this boulder up a mountain knowing I am going to be right back at the bottom at the end of the season to start the cycle anew. Hope is what keeps me chained to this franchise, and despite the fact that I know exactly where this journey is going to take me, I will continue to gleefully push that boulder up the mountain on my path to a promised land I will never reach.
This often happens in the playoffs, which is fun. Oh hi, here we are again rooting for a team with a ceiling that MAYBE will upset someone in the wild card round. Kirk Cousins is the new Dave Krieg. I live in California now. Sometimes Jerry Jones parks his yacht in the harbor nearby. It still looks better than U. Fucking Bank Stadium. In , I had just started working at a bar in Fargo, North Dakota.
The Vikings were playing the Seahawks, and most of my coworkers were drinking and watching the wild card game. I did not fit in with that group for months. Last summer my wife and I hiked Trolltonga, a hour round trip hike in Norway culminating in a rock which hangs meters over a glacial lake. While we were in line I struck up a conversation with the English guy behind us.
I assumed he was a soccer fan, so I asked who his team was. I do not look forward to the swift kick in the ass that comes the next week. That He wants you to win. That every failure or embarrassment on the field is a lesson to be learned on the road to the promised land: The Super Bowl. Vikings fans know that this is not the case. They will never win the Super Bowl. I understand that now. The Minneapolis Miracle will be as good as it gets. I am unburdened. I am free.
Recently my wife and I refinanced the mortgage on our house. The notary showed up to our home to sign the paperwork, and noticed the Vikings license plate cover on my truck. Being as this is northwestern Indiana, she mentioned that she was a fan too, and asked me why I was a fan. They took the NFC title. They took the Minnesota Super Bowl. They took my pride. They even took the fucking chant. They may as well have taken my wife. The Vikings exist mainly to remind me that hope is for idiots.
I wanna die. The ghosts of the birds the new stadium killed cursed them to lose to the bird teams forever. Your coach: Mike Zimmer.
So I come in here four years ago and the offense is 29, 27th, 26th. But I keep them. That is remarkably fucked up, and yet Vikings fans gladly ignored it, probably because Zimmer is as ruddy as they are. Speaking of which…. Your quarterback: The Vikings had three quarterbacks last season. The first one was a beloved draft pick who had his knee detonated by a lightning bolt thrown by Zeus from a nearby cloud. The second set a league record with the team, and then started one game the following year and promptly developed a knee injury of his own that was so vague and mysterious that NPR could base a fucking podcast around it.
And the third little piggy took this team to the NFC title game before withering behind an undermanned offensive line. For his trouble, Case Keenum was given a pack of cigarettes and shown the door. This is going to be a learning process for everyone involved. Here are some fun things about Kirk Cousins.
First off, he throws lots of bad picks! Fourthly, he combines the suffocating piousness of Tim Tebow, the strained comedy of Ted Cruz, and the training quackery of Tom Brady.
From that wretched brew he has engineered a brand of corniness so robotic and so toxic that it could burn through steel. What a fucking dink. Those people knew damn well that Kirk is a politician. And he will! He will try over and over again until you want to punch him in the fucking head. Remember when the Vikings hired an year-old tech baby to teach them how to relate to the teens?
Making Kirk Cousins the highest-paid player in history was the end result of that study. I do NOT like that. Fuck Kirk with his own tube of death rocks. They got Cousins. They signed Sheldon Richardson. They have Dalvin Cook back from injury. And yet NONE of that will matter because they forgot to fix the stupid offensive line. This line crumbled the instant guard Nick Easton got hurt at the end of last season, and yet the Vikings did virtually nothing to address it.
Their biggest move was drafting a right tackle in the second round whose chief drawback is that he weighs 68 pounds. They could have drafted a guard in the first round and opted instead for an eighth cornerback who has a sexual assault inquiry on his resume. They were also counting on center Pat Elflein to come back from a season-ending injury and had to trade for the Giants center when that plan went to shit.
They were hoping the line coach would fashion these parts into a workable unit and he DIED. Cousins was one of the most durable QBs in football and I already know that run will end in Minnesota. Khalil Mack will knock the Jesus right out of him.
Think this defense is stacked? Xavier Rhodes misses at least one series with an injury scare literally every game, so this is the year he suffers a real injury and misses 14 games with hip dysplasia. They cut the old kicker and replaced him with a rookie who already missed two gimmes in a preseason game, conjuring an air of doom so thick I need fog lights to navigate my way out of it.
Millie will probably die during a home game. I know how the Vikings work. Al Franken fucked it all up. All the sexual harassment stuff is only like the 20th worst thing about Garrison Keillor.
Mike Priefer is still an asshole. Fuck Nick Foles with his own dick. What has always sucked: In the pursuit of fairness, I asked the staff to explain why I , Drew Magary, suck. Here now are their replies. Marchman: You posture as a food guy while displaying the palate of a four-year-old.
Barry: You should let the readers know that you STILL file every word column with two line breaks between paragraphs because you use Microsoft Word and your valiant editors have to manually delete each extra break. Greenwell: This dude just ghosted on a goddamn meeting about his own goddamn podcast today. Just failed to show up. Just left everyone waiting in a room for him. Greenwell: Deleting 10, extraneous line breaks makes me want to die.
I swear! Barry: Much like with the Vikings: After a decade of crap, why should I believe this time will be any different? If they really wanted to roast my ass, they would fire me and replace me with Kluwe to show the world just how replaceable I am.
I deserve this fakeass loser team. All SHIT. A few days after the NFC title game, I was walking across the parking lot to my local gym wearing a Vikings hoodie when a silver BMW pulled up in front of me. Great season, assholes. It was like the ending to Se7en. We got beat to death with bars of soap for 55 minutes. The greatest moment in team history required us blowing a point lead to make it happen.
The happiest moment I will ever experience as a Vikings fan will always be inextricably linked with the most soul-crushing game I will ever experience as a Vikings fan. Mike Zimmer will not rest until he has an entire roster made up of DBs. Every time they approach greatness, they trip over their own dicks and faceplant straight into humiliation. Because the greatest achievement the Minnesota Vikings will ever reach was having the Patriots melt down and blow a Super Bowl to Big Dick Nick in their stadium.
Please save this for when Daniel Carlson inevitably fucks this team over. We did the impossible last year and I still had to brave five degree weather for a Super Bowl with HOF meat swinger Big Dick Nick because our team shit the bed for the th time in a row. We are literally the football equivalent of the lifeless skid mark a bird makes on the glass when it hits the side of USBank Stadium at full tilt.
They suck your soul out of your ass. I have never seen my dad more excited about a sporting event than the moment Diggs crossed the goal line. PS: Drew Pearson pushed off, and I look forward to watching him burn in hell for it. The truth is I would forget I was a Vikings fan and start cheering for the Packers.
The Packers will draft a-once-in-a-lifetime quarterback talent in Kirk Cousins has never been injured.
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